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Please Understand Me…

10 Nov 13
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I found the following letter on the FMS Community site. It explains a lot of what I’m going through and how those of you who aren’t ill can help. It’s been written for Fibromyalgia but works well for other chronic illnesses as well.

Open Letter to the Normals

There are the things I would like you to understand before you judge me…Please know that being sick doesn’t mean I’m not human. I may spend most of my day flat on my back and I might not seem like great company, but I’m still me stuck inside this body. I worry about school, work, family and friends and I’d still like to hear about yours.Please understand the difference between “happy” and “healthy”. When you’ve got the flu you probably feel miserable but it will pass. I’ve been sick for for so long that I can’t afford to be miserable all the time, in fact I work hard at not being miserable. So if I sound happy, it means that I’m happy, it does not mean that I am well. I may be in pain and sicker than ever.Please, don’t say, “Oh, you’re sounding better!”.I am not sounding better, I am sounding happy. If you want to comment on that, you’re welcome.

Please understand that being able to stand up for five minutes, doesn’t mean that I can stand ten minutes, or an hour. It’s likely that five minutes has exhausted my resources and I’ll need to recover – imagine an athlete after a race. They couldn’t repeat that feat right away either. With a lot of diseases you’re either paralyzed or you can move, but with Fibromyalgia it gets more confusing.

Please repeat the above paragraph substituting, “sitting up”, “walking”, “thinking”, “being sociable” and so on … it applies to everything. That’s what a fatigue-based illness does to you.

Please understand that chronic illnesses are variable. It’s quite possible (for me, it’s common) that one day I am able to walk to the park and back, and the next I’ll struggle to reach the kitchen.

Please don’t attack me when I’m ill by saying, “But you did it before!”.

If you want me to do something, ask if I can and I’ll tell you. In a similar vein, I may need to cancel an invitation at the last minute, if this happens please don’t take it personally.

Please understand that “getting out and doing things” does not make me feel better, and can often make me worse. Fibromyalgia may cause secondary depression (wouldn’t you get depressed if you were no longer able to participate in life?) but it is not caused by depression. Telling me that I need exercise is not appreciated or correct – if I could do it, I would.

Please understand that if I say I have to sit down/lie down/take these pills now, that I do have to do it right now – it can’t be put off or forgotten just because I’m doing something. Fibromyalgia does not forgive.

Please understand that I can’t spend all of my energy trying to get well. With a short-term illness like the flu, you can afford to put life on hold for a week or two while you get well. But part of having a chronic illness is coming to the realization that you have to spend some energy on having a life now. This doesn’t mean I’m not trying to get better. It doesn’t mean I’ve given up. It’s just how life is when you’re dealing with a chronic illness.

If you want to suggest a cure, please don’t. It’s not because I don’t appreciate the thought, and it’s not because I don’t want to get well. It’s because every one of my friends has already suggested every theory known to man. I tried them all, but quickly realized I was using up so much energy trying new treatments I was making myself sicker, not better. If there was something that cured Fibromyalgia, all of us would know about it by now.

If you read this and still want to suggest a cure, submit it in writing but don’t expect me to rush out and try it. If it is something new, with merit, I’ll discuss it with my doctor.

Please understand that getting better can be a slow process. Fibromyalgia entails numerous symptoms and it can take a long time to sort them all out.

I depend on you – people who are not sick for many things but most importantly, I need you to understand me.

The above text may be printed freely, and shared as needed providing all content is kept intact. No other person shall ever publish this work citing themselves as the author.

If you are ill do you have some way of explaining all of this to your friends and family?
For my healthy followers, does this help you understand what I’m going through better?
Others have written similar posts, a few of which are in my related posts below.

No Comments

  1. Resistance November 10, 2013 at 10:19 am

    So well written (although I don’t like the term ‘normals’ – we all come with our different baggages).
    And yes it really helps understanding what you are going through but also what we can and shouldn’t be doing. Great post!

    • Megan S November 10, 2013 at 10:43 am

      Thanks, I didn’t like the term ‘normals’ either but that was the title they had. That’s why I didn’t use their title as the title of my post.

  2. dawnhosking November 10, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    This is good isn’t it. I try and focus on my need of quality rest and the necessity to pace and that it is difficult to have an invisible illness — sometimes it hits home and other times it falls on deaf ears x

    • Megan S November 10, 2013 at 8:23 pm

      I know what you mean. I think I’m slowly getting through to the people who matter to me though.

      • dawnhosking November 10, 2013 at 8:44 pm

        Yes, the people who are the closest to me have a good understanding and my daughter is very protective of me — she will step in and let others know if she thinks folk are placing unrealistic demands. It’s really difficult when you meet new people though, I just have to hope that they have at least already heard of the illnesses or have a small amount of knowledge of the limitations.

        • Megan S November 11, 2013 at 8:28 am

          That’s great that your daughter steps in. I haven’t met many new people yet so that’s something to look forward to I guess 🙂

  3. lookingthroughanotherseyes November 10, 2013 at 9:55 pm

    Thanks for commenting and reblogging my post. Take care, one day at a time x

    • Megan S November 11, 2013 at 8:36 am

      That’s ok 🙂
      Definitely taking things one day at a time at the moment.

  4. Gazz November 24, 2013 at 5:26 am

    Hello Admin, just a ‘normal’ passing thru. I think I understand . . . No harm in being reminded – good luck 🙂

    • Megan S November 24, 2013 at 8:23 am

      Thanks for passing through 🙂

  5. NaBloPoMo Wrap Up | my chronic life journey November 30, 2013 at 8:27 am

    […] I attempted to describe my symptoms clearly, creative writing became an outlet with Foggy Frog and […]

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